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Let Go
bitched @ 2:25 p.m. on 03-22-04 Okay so again I did jack nothing this weekend. By choice. Again. I don�t think it�s normal for someone of my age to LIKE to stay home. I mean I don�t WANT to but I do it anyways. But yea, that�s not what I want to talk about right now, what I have to get off my chest is what happened on Saturday. The sperm donor. Yep, he actually had the audacity to ask MY grandfather for 40 bucks. Oh boy did the shit hit the fan when he rolled up onto the driveway. I had anticipated his arrival, because I had so many things I wanted to say, I was trying to figure out in what order to fire them off. I wanted to make him feel like shit, like I do, I wanted him to be fazed, but he seemed aloof. Like he didn�t really care what I thought or felt anymore. He�s still stuck in his own little pity party world. Well, hopefully what I said knocked him off that pedestal. I said just about every thing I could to make him feel like crap, I said he was a loser. I called him a moocher, I accused him of doing drugs and living off his girlfriend. Than I went on to yell really loud over his shoulder so she could hear me: And what about her kids? Why doesn�t she spend time with them? Why does she waste all her time on you? Doesn�t she care about her children? Don�t make her like you, don�t make her neglect her children. I know. I hurts. And do you think he cared? Nope. He got all defensive and started backing up, getting ready to leave. I said Ralph told me whats been going on and he went off saying Ralph owed him this and that blah blah and I straight up said to lower his voice RIGHT this instant because I�ll be damned if he upsets my grandfather. Well, he started getting sarcastic and pulling the �you don�t know nothing, you�re not me� bullshit. I slapped him down with a: �Well maybe I would if I had a real father. You know, neither me or your son even have any respect for you. We both agree, you�re a loser.� I just kept chopping him down further and further and the look in his eyes was� I have no clue what the hell was going on in that over gelled head of his. He was vacant, just all on the defensive side, all in the �It�s not MY faukt, it�s YOURS� deal. I wanted so badly to slap him. Than after we kept going back and forth, I don�t remember how we got to this but I said, �What happen? Your girlfriend run out of money for you two? What are you going to spend this on? Drugs? Is that what this is for? Have you run out of drug money? Us that it? Because I will NOT have you borrow money from MY grandfather, the one who is taking care of me, who keeps a roof over my head. Hell no, if that�s what this is for you can just forget it. Than I think he could tell I was about to get loud and go yell at his girlfriend because he backed up and just said, �you know what? Forget it. Forget it.� And he went to his car and started it up and was all pissed, but not as pissed as he should have been. You know he not once denied the drug part? What an asshole. I gave him a peace sign and said, �Peace out motherfucker.� He heard it, because I said it hella loud for him to hear. That fucker. I hate him. I hate him so much it�s not even funny, I have more respect for my convict uncle than I do for my own father. I just want to beat the shit out of him. I have so much anger still inside me. My mom was all proud of me for standing up to him and saying all the things that needed to be said. It only made me feel more horrible, I cried for like an hour in my room. Fuck man, I�m too emotional for my own good. I hate how I can�t be like him and be emotionless. Be an ass. I�m a bitch but behind closed door�s I�m a bitch with a conscience. There�s no telling if that�s the last I�ll see of him. And I think god gave me a sign to severe all connections and ties to him because later on the next day my grandpa found the forms while he was cleaning, to change my last name. So there you go. This is it, I mean I was gonna do it anyways, but this has speeded up the process. I wrote like three poems to try and get some kind of closure. But nope. I�m still all worked up whenever I think about it. What sucked the most is that I had no one to really call and talk to. No one would care or understand anyways even if I had called them. It reminded me of when I thought he was dead and missing and called Marci to come with me to his house to see what the hell. I kinda wished I had Marci to call at the time but than I knew whatshe�d say, �I don�t know what to say Elena�. You know how he is�. It sucks� Just forget about him�� But than again any words would have worked for me, I just needed a little sympathy maybe, I dunno. I couldn�t call any of my other friends because we�re not close on an emotional level, maybe D but I dunno. I don�t wanna burden her. I couldn�t even call J. I feel like that bond is barely holding on by a thread and I don�t want to pull, so I�m just going to leave it alone. My mom said I�m a very strong person and that she�s proud of me because I can handle bad things well. Can I? It doesn�t seem like it, I don�t feel like it, but somehow I look like it. I guess. Now I just feel empty and vulnerable. I�m burying myself in books and TV and food right now. Not just because of my dad but because I just feel a bit lonely I guess. Must me that time of the month because I can�t stop craving chocolate. Ha. Well, I�m done with my little pity party here. I�ve got about 30 minutes until I leave for class. So peace out. I guess I�ll be back on Wednesday to give an update of class and social gatherings and stuff. The kinds won yesterday, we get home court advantage now I�ve heard. Yippie! Damn Bibby is fine, and Brad Miller ain�t too bad either! Hottie central! Peja was looking good too, dayum. You Know You Love Me, ~JBehrsGurl P.S. I bought Jessica Simpson�s CD and now I wish I was in Love. Hahaha! I mean is it so bad that I want someone to hug me when I�m feeling fragile, or someone to kiss me when I want affection? No. No it�s not dammit! Ugh. Whateva, I�m independent, I can get through this� I think. << | >> MOVED - 09-08-04 test - 08-18-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Whoa Momma! - 05-24-04 Even OLDER... |