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a LONG Good Bye
bitched @ 2:25 p.m. on 02-20-04 Currently in the process of going out of my fucking MIND! But other than that nothing life altering �well, not entirely. Okay I lied I have shit to unload and like it or not you�re gonna hear it. I saw the sperm donor yesterday. Yep. I also hocked a fat luggie on his front windshield. It made me feel a little better, not much, but some. I�ll get to this part in a minute, but first: I had to take pappy to the doctors and then I had to go to the grocery store with him. While in the grocery store we had out usual bickering but the icing on the cake at the checkstand. OH. MY. GAH! Okay so point A (the check out line) is two feet away from point B (sale display on cans of green beans). This is what happen: [I get in line behind three other people.] HIM: Oh look, geen beans for 39 cents! Hot damn. Bring the cart over here. ME: I�m in line, I�ll just carry them over. HIM: 39 cents! Green beans! Did you hear me? ME: Yes! I heard you grandfather! [Old ladies in line start to giggle.] HIM: Bring the cart over here. ME: But we�ll loose our spot in line, and you�re RIGHT there! [Old ladies look at me in sympathy.] HIM: Bring the cart over here. HIM: Bring the cart over here. HIM: Bring the cart over here. ME: But I�m right here! HIM: Bring the cart over here. ME: But I�m right here! HIM: Bring the cart over here. ME: But I�m right here! HIM: Bring the cart over here. HIM: Elena. I said bring the cart over here. [I curse the world and roll the cart on over where three MORE old ladies take our damn spot!] HIM: Look at this, 39 cents! Put these up by where your purse is. [tries to hand me the cans but I throw them down right into the cart. hard.] HIM: You better change that attitude girl. ME: Meh-meh-meh-meh-girl HIM: When I say come here you come here. And I want those cans up there in the seat. You�re really making me mad girl. [I then mumble:] ME: I don�t care! [I then proceed to grudgingly thump things around until the cans are up front.] HIM: I wonder if I should get some more. ME: You have enough. HIM: Maybe I should buy a case. I wanted to fucking pull his head off. Seeing the conversation now it doesn�t seem all too bad but keep in mind that I had missed a day and was irritable as a mofo. Also, he is way more annoying in person, furthermore, I can�t remember the exact conversation but it was worse than that. Oh and THEN we get to the check out stand FINALLY after waiting in line forever, and he can�t cash his check from the state refund cuz why? Because theres a bounced check on his account from two fucking years ago when Henry stole his identity! Never name your son after yourself guys, it�s the biggest mistake of your life! Then he goes to the phone at the info desk and blah blah blah and the manager gets involved oh god. And I wanted to fucking knock the bag girl out cold cuz when pappy first found out the manager was all, �You can just call this number and fix things.� I�m thinking yeay, we get to go home. THAN little miss priss opened her skinny anorexic ass mouth and says, �Oh there�s a telephone you can use right over there.� My grandpa is all, �Yea but my legs are getting sore.� She says, �Oh there are chairs right next to it.� And it�s all over from there, I just go put the bags in the car and call my mom to bitch. My mom was no help, as always her response was, �He�s not going to be around much longer Elena.� In a sad tone. IN A SAD TONE!? It�s both morbid and despicable! We get home and sitting on our porch is (cue trumpets: dun dun da dun!) Ralph! My cousin! That lifts my spirits right up cuz that�s mah dawg! Oh I miss him, mi primo. Anyways, so I guess he got faded (as always) at some friends house and needed a ride home. I�m like oh okay, ain�t no thang. I�m also thinking oh and I can get that info I need to fill out that last name change form. Plus I just really wanted to see my fucking dad, no lie. I won�t lie, I mean c�mon man he�s my father after all. The guy who I always thought was this tall knight in shining armor when my mother was the big bad bitch. I know better now. I guess the sperm donors new girlfriend is supporting him right now because he has no job. I�m just pissed because when I said I needed his SSN he was all what for? I told him and all he said was, �To what? Perez?� I said well there�s no other last name is there? You know, it was one of those moments when you think of all the GOOD comebacks when it�s already too late? I was pissed. I wanted to just scream and cry and scratch his eyes out. I wanted to beat the shit out of him, to scream and tell him how much I hated him. How fucked up he�s made my life and how much I have to go through because of him. I�m so fucked up, I�m self conscious as a motherfucker because I�m obsessed with the fact that I�m fat. I AM overweight but I know I�m not FAT. I know this but I don�t listen to it! He says, �Well, if that�s what you want to do.� He scribbles down the numbers and throughs the book back at me. And he�s like you can get the rest on the information from them, they know all that shit. I just turn away and leave, but I say (with my back to him) �My brothers birthday was two days ago.� He says, �Yea, I know. I don�t need to hear your mothers shit from you too. I don�t care.� And that was it, that was the turning point in my life. I swear to god this time, on the holy bible and anything that I need be sweared by. That I will never love my father the way I did, I won�t go as far as to say I won�t love him because part of me will always love him, he�s my dad ya know? But this is it, I�m so sick of this. His girlfriend wasn�t there but I know she�s taken my place in his life. I mean, the talking stuff, the listening and conversations. It�s over. I know I�ve said this so any times but wow. This is it. I might not ever in my life even see him again after my cousin leaves. Ralph is moving to New Hampshire. Yup. The last of my family is leaving forever. The end. Ralph was my childhood, he was my cousin. Wow I�m getting teary eye�d just writing this. I love him, he�s always been there for me no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. That�s what cousins are for you know? They have you back no matter what. That�s very hard to come by these days. I will forever miss him and have him in my heart. But as for my father, this is it. Wow. Look what he�s become. I guess he�s going to move in with his girlfriend and her three kids. She neglects the fuck out of those kids. Poor things, I know how that feels. My mom was like that too until she met Rick. Never thought I�d thank god for that. But I do. It sucks getting old, because you lose yourself in the years. You mold into a new person, people lose touch, they change. Nothing ever stays the same. No matter how much you want it to stay the same, no matter how hard you try. You can�t control people, you can�t control life. My mom says that God does everything for a reason and he would never make you go through something he knows you cant handle. I trust him with my all, so, I guess I�ll get through this. It just hurts is all. It�s like, damn. It�s like that huh? It�s like that. And it sucks, and it�s sad. But there ain�t a damn thing you can do about it. It hurts like a motherfucker to see the hateful look on my dads face everytime he looks at me. I�m not lying, and I swear I think in his mind he was thinking, �She�s fat just like her mother. She is her mother.� I know he was because I�ve noticed I look exactly like my mother and I�m freaking the fuck out. I mean it�s not identical but we have the sane nose and cheeks. Look at the pictures for yourself. So yea, this is good bye dad. Dear Dad (Whoever you are), When I was little I thought you were the most important person. I remember having so much love for you inside, so much that it seemed impossible for such a small child to have or give. I remember riding bikes together, watching cartoons, playing round house in the driveway with the silver chain hoop on top of the garage. I remember laughing, watching movies, playing games. I remember playing in the front yard in Valerie�s Quince dress, lace flowing all around me while you played your music loud out the window. I remember bar-b-ques in the back yard and talking. I remember smoking cloves with you, I remember your stern face when I would pretend to grab a beer. I remember you rubbing my back when I felt sick, I remember you letting me sleep on your huge ass king size bed while you slept on the floor because I was sick. I remember you driving me around the block in your low rider when I had a stomach ache. I remember playing basketball, baseball, racquetball, handball, all kinds of sports with you and Ralph, Chavo and Valerie. I remember playing with the cats, going places, having �our� father-daughter weekends. I remember sitting at your window while my mom pulled out, watching her leave in a bad mood and having you there to wipe my tears. I remember the first time I screamed at you when I had PMS, you cried because you thought I hated you and you said you would take me home if I wanted. I remember so much, but among all I remember the day my mom came over to tell us that grandma had passed away and you where there. You were there dad, telling me she was with god. You were the only who kept up my faith in god. I remember. But I also remember you yelling. You locking yourself up in your room and leaving me and my brother sad, neglected and alone. Sure, we had each other, we had Ralph, we had Grandma Valeria. But she couldn�t speak any English dad, we loved her and she raised us but we still wanted you dad. I remember getting spanked bare ass with the thing leather belt when you didn�t like my grades, I remember the horrible ugly faces you made when you didn�t like something I did, or if I got a B when you said I could have gotten an A. I remember getting in trouble a lot, I remember you telling me to pray a lot, so I wouldn�t go to hell. I remember you telling me that I�m becoming my mother. I remember all the shit you said to make her sound so much more horrible than she already was. I remember forgotten birthdays and Christmases. I remember you shoving pills down my throat when I wouldn�t take them because I had a fever, or an upset stomach, or a head ache. Sure, sometimes you crunched the pill up for me to drink in stead of swallow whole. But not always. I remember you screaming at me, making me stay at the table when I wouldn�t finish my dinner. I remember sitting at the table for a long, long time. Until you�d finally come and yell some more and after I was crying you�d just tell me to get out of your face. I remember the promises you made, the promises you broke. Did you even keep any of them dad? I remember the fights, the constant berating of each other. It was like a quest to see who could make who feel like shit first, remember that dad? Remember? I do. I remember you making me stand by the phone ready to call 911 because you swore there was someone on the roof. I remember you smoking your pot in the bathroom and pretending you weren�t. I remember you looking me right in the face with your red intoxicated eyes and telling me you weren�t smoking. Lying to my face like always dad. You were really good at that. I remember hating you when you would drink because you�d become this slurring monster who couldn�t even walk around the house. I remember you lying to me SO many times, so many lies I�ve lost track. I remember you making me feel like shit if I missed a day of school or work, telling me that my depression was all in my mind. All in mind. I remember. Hey dad? I wish that the past 19 years had been all in my mind. I wish that a lot. I remember so much good and so much bad, it�s an even scale. Each side keeping the other balanced, the pros and cons are equal. I love you, I hate you. Simple as that. But now, now things have changed, I�m sick of the lies, sick of the put downs and most of all. I�m just so sick of you. You make me sad daddy, my daddy. The one who I loved more than life itself. I remember one time running into your arms and says, �I love you so much daddy! I love you more than Jesus!� And I remember you quickly saying, �No, no don�t say that. You have to love god above everything.� The very face that I could have said that, it�s amazing. Because if you would ask me to say that now, the closest you would get is, �Go to hell.� I�m sorry. I�m sorry I remember so much bad, I�m sorry I remember so much good. I�m sorry that you�re the father god chose for me, I�m sorry for the things you put my mother through, and I�m sorry for the things she put you through too. You both are like an addiction, a drug to me. You have things about you that I should stay away from, but I�m always coming back. Always wanting more. Well, I�m done dad. The end. I�m so finished with all the bullshit. You can deny, deny, deny all you want but you�re only bitter because you know it�s true. Because you know that what you�ve become is a very sad person. You have no love in your soul dad, because if you did you wouldn�t hurt me as much as you do. Fathers aren�t supposed to make their children cry. And now I can honestly say that you hold no amount of respect in my heart, or even my brothers. My brother is the way he is because he lacks discipline, because he had no father. So don�t you DARE try and pin that on MY mother. No, my mother is not perfect, no she wasn�t a very good mother in the beginning. But look at how far she has come. WITHOUT YOU. She raised both me and my brother in a very nice house is a very nice neighborhood, she bought us everything we needed, she worked her ass off for us. If you want to say I�ve become my mother than good. I�ll be PROUD of it, because my mother is the most independent woman I know. She�s superwoman. My mom has done SO MUCH for us dad, and what have you done? Nothing, the things you did for us don�t even compare. I�m proud to be like my mother, because she�s not YOU. I love you dad. But I hate everything you�ve become. I was so proud of you dad, but I�, not proud of you anymore. I stuck up for you dad. But I will not stick up for you anymore. Good bye dad. Damn. This hurts. Forever your daughter, ~Elena You Know You Love Me, ~JBehrsGurl << | >> MOVED - 09-08-04 test - 08-18-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Whoa Momma! - 05-24-04 Even OLDER... |