. . . ENTRY |
Update... AGAIN!
bitched @ 3:04 p.m. on 01-14-04 And again here I am. This is update number two for you diary! Don�t you feel super special?! Well, you feel that way in a minute because this entry is going to be weird. Diary. Sweetling, love of my life, web space that is called my blog, diary, journal, thoughts� I don�t quite know how to tell you this but� How come you don�t call me anymore? Oh no, wait that�s a song. That used to be MY song. Until he did call and then he ended up being a jerrrrk. My mind today is swirling, spinning out of control and I don�t know how to stop it. Call it PMS but my moods are all on full alert. One second I�m happy, then I�m sad, then I�m mad, then I�m a horny ass bitch. But how can one who�s NEVER had sex be horny? Well actually that�s not the question I wished to ask. It was more like, how does one release. I don�t do masturbation, I�d rather stick a fork in my eye. Some people get off on that, I do not, sorry. I�m 19 years old and the farthest I�ve gotten in two nearly naked bodies rubbing up on one another on the floor. And that was four years ago. HOW SAD. Its like I have a sign over my head: I hate it!!! Slap me silly, I�ve had many chances to lose my �innocence� but I�ve always declined (none as of late or I wouldn�t be writing this). I always get that deep down feeling in the pit of my stomach that says, do you REALLY want to go through with this? Do you REALLY think this is the right guy? Losing it isn�t really all that magical shit. I�ve already come to realize that part of the deal. Maybe I just think it�s a big deal because of my religious background. I always thought I�d wait until I was in love then I would go ahead and make the decision. Well, I�ve never been in love, I�ve come close but no dice. So what the hell now? Life�s made sex seem so damn casual it pisses me off. I feel twice the burden I did when I first started caring about being a virgin. I�ve always put off the whole virgin thing because I always thought I�d meet �the one� and we�d �or rather *I* would share that special something with him. Well, I had so much other shit going on in my life back in high school that the thought of sex wasn�t important to me. Sure, it was to the guys I dated but not to me. It wasn�t even an issue. It was a simple. NO. And as the years went on my answer was always the same, sure I wanted to, but I was scared, nervous, and I ALWAYS had my fucking mother voice in the back of my head. �Men are DOGS Elena. Don�t you EVER let them get to you. You always make sure you are in charge. Don�t ever give them what they want unless they deserve it!� Well MOM did you ever stop to think that the countless times you preached that little speech to me all my childhood that it would embed itself into my BRAIN and keep me from ever opening up? Most of my exes are still my friends to this day. And they�ve all said the same thing. I don�t open up, I don�t show affection. I act like a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. They say they thought I wasn�t ever really interested. Bottom line. I never opened up. I always treat guys �even potential boyfriends� the same. Like a friend. I�m way too scared to treat them like anything else. I think AG is the only one who really had a chance, Artie had the affection (well, sorta) but I was never my true self. AG had the whole caboodle and he never treated me different. Daniel, my god I was so weird around him. I pushed that boy away, I have no idea why. I think it was because I got him way too easily. I love a chase. A challenge. I don�t want to say hello and him just drop to his knees and beg. I want to work a little! Or maybe that�s just an excuse. Everytime a guy gets close I close up and start to treat him like a friend, nothing more. I stop alling so much, I screen my phone calls. Now. Because I do this, it seems I have less and less boyfriends or even potentials. It�s been a year since Daniel and he was the last one of the bunch. It�s not normal to be my age and not at least have a potential!!! Is it? I�m not sure. Whatever. Okay well I better stop because I�m not in this mood anymore. HAHAHAHA. I�m making a new layout so these are the final ELIZA hours� You Know You Love Me, ~JBehrsGurl << | >> MOVED - 09-08-04 test - 08-18-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Whoa Momma! - 05-24-04 Even OLDER... |