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Entering Adulthood
bitched @ 8:23 a.m. on 2002-11-07 I never realized just how much of a grown up I have to be. I mean, things used to be so easy. Though I thought they were so hard. I used to get up -after my mother screaming at me for a half hour, and take a shower, get dressed and go to school. Then I'd come home and bum around the house or go to Crystals house. But things took a turn for well I won't say the worst cuz it certainly made me who I am today. Me and Crystal stopped being best friends. It hurt my heart so much, I seriously loved that girl. She was like the sister I never had. To this day I don't know why we aren't friends. I guess it all started when I got my state job the summer b4 my senior year of high school. Crystal started to act funny when that happen. Then she just stopped talking to me altogther. I was heartbroken. She was my best freaking friend, she was all I knew. And she had taken that away. I cried, of course I cried cuz I missed her, I still get all choked up thinking about it. But in reality its things like this that make you grow up. Things like this that help you adapt to Adulthood. Am I ready for such a transition? Or have I unawarily already made it? I'm waiting for something, anything that will have a big impact on my life. Jessica is such a great friend, I would probibly die if not for her. Cuz I've got nothing going for me. I have NO motivation in life. I don't even wish to succeed in my major in College. I feel that since I'm only in community college that it doesn't really matter. I know I know! You can transfer and that was my plan. But now my plan has turned to shit cuz I don't care anymore. Roswell won't even sustain me anymore. It's over. The show is done. Why hold on like an old band-aid? But I can't let go, cuz I love it too much. Though I go threw these deep horrible spells I still can't help but stay with what I know. With what comforts me. Maybe being an Adult isn't about letting go, but holding on and maturing with what you've got. I wake up. I take a shower. I get dressed, do my hair. Then I drive to work. I wake MYSELF up. I take MYSELF to work. And on Monday's and Wednesday's I take MYSELF to class. Independence is a lot harder than I imagined, its not as glorious as it's brought up to be. Ever since moving in with my grandpa I've been more independent and willing to mature. BUT I still have much to gain and learn from growing up. I still have to realize that I don't have my mom to clean up after me, and that she isn't there to make me dinner, she isn't there to do my laundry and she isn't there to tell me to get up and get to work. I have to makesure my grandpa is alright and has taken his meds, I have to be even MORE responsible. Am I ready for this? I must be if I'm here today, God doesn't do things to us for no reason. I now think that if not for him I wouldn't be here -and not because he's the reason we are all here. But because he has watched over me and protected me. I just was to blind to realize it. I still am in a way. But I won't get into that as of now. Later maybe. So who wants to know about my non existant love life? I have a new lover, His name is Benji and he is from Good Charolette. Gosh he's so fine! *sigh* and he's so cute and sweet and kind and playful and... Oh geez. So my husband is still AJ McLean -but we're seperated as of now bcuz Jason Behr is my current husband. Mark Wahlberg is my boyfriend, Brendan Fehr is my secret Lover and now Benji is my affair. I'll have to get back to you on that cuz we've only just met and all... LMAO!!!! You know you love me, ~JBehrsGurl
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