. . . ENTRY |
BIG ASS ENTRY
bitched @ 3:04 p.m. on 2003-10-17 So I�m here, I�m alive. And I have no computer. Yup, I�m computerless, oh! And get this! I come to find out that I was promoted! Ha! Does that mean an increase in my pay? HELLLLL NO! Psh. Oh well, it�s the �experience� that really matters. Kiss my butt man we all know its all about the bling-bling ching-ching skrilla gorilla. Ya know what I�m sayin? So where am I now that I�m able to write this little patch of info? I�m in someone else�s cubie. Her name is Cathy and she�s super nice, she also has a cute son �I think. I remember Jessika always saying how cool Cathy was and how much she liked her and now I get to see why. Haha, she�s really cool. I wish I wasn�t so out of it today or I�d be a much better person to talk to instead of this huge blob with two legs. I�m so super tired, I�ve NEVER been this tired before at work. I�m not even playing around. I keep having to practically slap myself awake. My grandpa�s right (and I HATE HATE HATE when that happens), I am ruining my life. I�m staying up way too late for my own good, I�m like a whacked out motor put-puttin� my way around until I expire. Seriously that�s what I feel like right now, like at any moment I�m going to just crap out. I want to go home and sleep but it�s my first day here and hello? How bad would that look!? Realllll bad I tell you. From what my �new� boss Frank says I�ll be doing wayyy more things than I used to do! Quick rant time, I�ve had three people ask me if Cathy�s gone today� Hmmm� Let me think, I�m sitting in her chair and she�s nowhere in sight�. Hmmm� Okay so anyways, I�m gonna be pretty much a REAL secretary for a very busy guy. Wowness, can we say overload?! Pretty cool if I think about it but then again I�m so scared they�ll check my transcripts and find out that I only have one class this semester that I don�t go to and that I failed all my classes last semester cuz �surprise! I didn�t go to those either. Thank god I�m changing schools and starting over �hopefully. But I overheard Frank talking to whoever it is that �I�m� filling in for (I think she�s pretty pissed about that btw) and it sounds like I�m temporarily going to be here. Ummm� WTF?! I�m so confused and no one is telling me anything! I ask and they look at me with blank expressions, I just want to open a can of pimp juice and let loose you know what I�m saying? I�ve filed and filed and filed and now I�m working on these labels, man. I can�t wait to go home. But then again I wont get that much rest because I gott go pick up my wild cousin Desiree at around 7 or 8. I�m glad to have her aboard but I�m worried she�ll have a boring ass time cuz I�m POOPED! I look like a major scrub today by the way. I barely got out of bed this morning, shit man. This working stuff is so hard and the weird ass part is that I�ve been doing this for three years and I�m still not used to it. First year was a piece of cake but second year I had high school so I wasn�t here but three hours a day �even though that fudged up my school social status by pulling me out of school at 1 when everything happens! And now this year is complicated, I�ve been torn between classes and work and then when I finished my first semester of college I went slack. I didn�t finish my classes second semester and all of the sudden my body cant function. I�m perfectly functional at night though. Go figure. Marci�s draggin me down man. Seriously, she just loves to make me feel like shit, and sometimes I SERIOUSLY don�t think that she means to. I SERIOUSLY think that she is SO dense that she doesn�t realize that what she says is offensive to other people. I dunno, anyways I decided not to go to that club tonight because I can barely freaking make it through today and I�m about to pass out asap. I�m not even going to go home, I�m going to go to my moms house and CRASH in her bed. I love my mommies bed, it�s the best place �plus Chica snuggles with me. It takes me 20 minutes to get home after work because of Traffic but it only takes me 10 to get to my moms house with traffic. Do you see the distinction? I�m starting to miss my dad. It�s pissing me off that I do too. I can�t let him get to me!!! I must fight! Seriously, I mean what kind of person would miss a dad that makes NO attempt to call her (well he did like three time wayyy long ago but I wouldn�t accept them) and he doesn�t call my brother or see us. I dunno what he is to me anymore. Can I call him a dad? Seriously, no jokes and in all seriousness �is he really just a sperm donor? He�s done nothing for me, there�s nothing in my life that I can say �my dad taught me that. Or �it�s because of my dad that I�m where I am today (actually this one rings true. My mom said that he was severly lazy and that I get that from him� Hmmm�.) but theres not really anything I can think of where I can say �my dad influenced me to�Or �my dad helped me� Sas isn�t it? I can say �my dad was never really around but when he was we watched scary movies that I used to get nightmares from, I used to have to listen to him tell me that the devil�s going to take me if I don�t do this, this, and this� Or I can say that when I was l ittle my dad would beat the shit out of me if I got bad grades but when homework came around he was nowhere in sight. Funny thing about this� I lived with my dad until I was 12 and his mother �my abuelita raised me. She spoke Spanish and no English and she never went to school. So asking her would have been hilarious. I can only say this, thanks dad. For a fucked up childhood that I can�t let go of� Okay before I sign off I just gotta tell you about this whack ass dream that I had BUT it�s the third one in a short period of time where I was sublimely happy. Okay so this is what happen, I never can really remember my dreams excepty for certain parts that are VERY vivid. This scene I�m at John Cabrillo (my elementary school) �I�m always here now that I think of it, it�s just down the street from my moms house where we lived since I was 5� and there�s all these guys, some of them are mean looking and some are preppy and some are regular and some are my friends. I�m the only girl I think and it�s just as if I�m one of the guys �like it used to be. So there are three big groups of people on one end of the field and some on the other and so on. Everyone wants to fight and we�re all waiting for something� Someone? I dunno what it is but we�re waiting and I�m staring across at this guy who looks like Mark Wahlberg. Then someone yells (and I�m thinking the same thing in MY head so maybe it was me who yelled it) screw this! We�re all here lets fight! Do EVERYONE starts rushing at each other like crazy! I�m hella scared and I�m just waiting for the impact and then suddenly I�m on Mark�s back and I�m holding him back and trying to protect him as best I can from my friend who reminds me of the goofy guy character from the Everworld Series (???). I think his name is Erin (lol Erin), I�m not sure. But I�m trying to keep them apart cuz they�re fighting over me! But in my dream I�m just trying to keep them apart because I KNOW Mark can pound Erin but I don�t want Erin to touch Mark so I�m just covering him with my body as best I can and I�m screaming for them to stop. Everyone else is all fighting all around us but theres this open circle around just me and the two boys on the grass. Then another guy �who is also my friend� pulls Erin away. Then everyone is gone and the field is empty except for a few people. I�m squeezing my arms around Mark �who has turned into Brain Littrell from the Backstreet Boys (?!) and we�re all struggling to catch our breath and I�m just huffing and puffing and I�m whispering into Brians neck, �I don�t want you to get hurt, I don�t want you to get hurt. I choose you, I choose you.� I keep saying �I choose you.� And the guy Erin cant hear what I�m saying and I�m suddenly terrified of my own friend (the guy Erin) and I�m scared of what he�ll do when he finds out that I�ve chosen Brian. Then Erin says he�ll be back and he�s helllla mad and he walks off. Then I hug my arms around Brains neck and I�m holding him so close and I�m feeling sooooo many emotions and I�m SO happy. He�s holding onto me too and he�s saying he�s not going to let anything happen to me and that he cares about me so mych blah blah blah and then he says something like, �You better not tell him that we�re together.� Or something I dunno but then I smirk and I say, �Gee thanks for the encouragement.� And he smiles (and I swoon) and he says, �You�re so beautiful.� And he�s looking straight into my eyes and I�m feeling all the clich� mushy love feeling �that I�ve yet to ever feel in real life� and we�re sitting there so close together in the grass and --- Then my alarm goes off and I wake up. That always happens, I�m about to hear the L-word and I wake up. EVERYTIME! The first time It was some guy that I had a crush on and Marci hooked me up with him with this weird ass funky wild goose chase and then it ends up with him coming up to me and I can see ever detail of his face �like with the dream last night, and I�m SO happy. Then in that dream he ends up using me I think to get back at his GF and I get sooo sad but I love him sooo much! Then in the second dream where I felt this (which was the other day) I couldn�t see his face but he hella cared about me and I did for him and we couldn�t tell anyone� Weird much??? Then there was this last dream. What the HECK is going on with me?! Also, ever dream where this happen the guy is a white with blonde hair, blue eyes. He may look different but that�s the one thing that�s always the same, white boy, blonde hair, blue eyes. I�m going CRAZY! Gah! This must mean that I have psychological problems even in my SLEEP! You Know You Love Me (Even tho I�m crazy), ~JBehrsGurl << | >> MOVED - 09-08-04 test - 08-18-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Hola El Stupido - 06-09-04 Whoa Momma! - 05-24-04 Even OLDER... |